Up until yesterday, I was struggling with allowing myself to get really excited about this pregnancy. As cold-hearted as that might sound, let me explain. I still have a huge amount of anxiety and worry when it comes to this baby and everything being "okay". If I don't feel movement for a while, I worry. If I have a pain, I worry. There has not been anything during my pregnancy that should give me reason to worry as much as I do but until I saw him on that monitor yesterday and they said he, and the ultrasound, looked great, I was a nervous wreck. The other part of my anxiety has more to do with guilt. I was feeling really guilty about allowing myself to get excited about this little guy when, in the back of my mind, all I could think about was the fact the baby we lost should've been born within the next month.
I wish there was a way to let go of the worry and guilt but I'm not sure if the worry will go away until I'm holding my sweet Wyatt in my arms. As for the guilt, I don't know if that will ever go away. I am certain that God knew the stress that was about to overcome me, finding out my mom was sick, when we found out we were expecting the baby we lost. He decided rather than letting me get too far along and then losing the baby, that He would take the baby in His arms and care for it because He knew my body wasn't going to be able to. For that, I am thankful but it doesn't take the hurt away.
So, for now, I am going to focus on this sweet little boy growing inside me (in the 83 percentile already at 1lb. 2 oz:) and be thankful for the two precious little girls that I have here with me and just take life one day at a time.
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