I want to share something very personal tonight. Madisyn is a very talented writer. She wrote this today and it was on my nightstand waiting for me to read it tonight, 14 weeks since the day her Grandma died.
I cried. I often don't realize exactly how much my kids are still hurting. Madisyn not only lost her Grandma who was a HUGE part of her life, she lost her on her 9th birthday. Madi probably spent as much time with my mom during her first 3 years of life as she did with us, if not more. I was working fulltime and still living in Green Bay and my parents were living in Pulaski. I drove her out to their home every morning and then back to pick her up after work. That left a lot of time for them to bond. They had a wonderful relationship.
We've been struggling with behavior lately and sometimes it's so frustrating because I know part of it is how they're trying to cope and I just don't know how to help. It's hard when you aren't sure how to do it yourself. Madi has been a worrier from early on but recently has been very fearful of getting sick, even if just a cold or flu bug. For so long we shielded the kids from the word "cancer." Looking back, it may not have been the best choice. We would often just refer to mom having cancer as her being sick. I feel like that's where her anxiety about being sick stems from. Right or wrong, I know we can't undo it now.
I am so happy that she wrote this. Though it breaks my heart that she feels like this, I'm thankful that she has an outlet to share her feelings since she doesn't quite know how to verbalize it yet, except for to say, "I miss Grandma." I talked to Madi about what she wrote and told her I thought it was amazing. I encouraged her to keep writing if it helps her because writing helps me too. I told her she should write a book that could help other kids her age who are going through the loss of someone they love. She didn't think she could do that, but I have a feeling she might reconsider.
I wanted to share this for one reason...grief doesn't end. Just because someone doesn't outwardly look like they're hurting doesn't mean that they aren't.
"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."
1 comment:
Oh, Lexie, thank you for sharing our sweet Madisyn's feelings in her own writing. I have worried about both Grace and Madisyn. Grace is able to verbalize her grief, talking about how much she misses her Grandma, wrapping herself up in your Mom's sweater, seeing the beauty of sunrises and sunsets as gifts from her Grandma to all of you. She expresses her grief openly and cries when her Grandma's death comes to mind. But Madisyn, Madisyn seems to try to keep her feelings inside thought she talks freely about her Grandma and the good memories, she hasn't shown her grief outwardly as often. My heart breaks to read her story, full of grief and her true thoughts and feelings of that day her Grandma died on Madi's 9th birthday. I'm so glad she wrote out her grief and shared it with you as it's good for her to express her grief and it shows she feels safe to share it with you and David. I see her eyes quickly go to your face when your Mom is mentioned since her death. I think she wants to protect you as she loves you so much. Perhaps she watches your face at these times to see your reaction to your Mom's memory brought up in conversation but also she must see that it's OK to cry and feel sad as you are such an excellent role model. She loves you very much of course and I think she looks to you to learn how to live with her grief inside. Like at the All Souls mass, when you and most of the adults in your family cried when your Mom's name was read, she was immediately in your arms, crying. I do think you're right, that Madisyn will write a book to help others in similar circumstances. Madi is kind and feels deeply, so much like you and David. I see her story as healthy expression of her grief and I do believe when she's a bit older she will see a unique closeness in sharing the date of her Grandma's passing with her own birthday. I see as you probably do too that for Madisyn to be able to express her grief and sadness in words is healthy and truly a gift. Though your Mom isn't visible to our eyes, I do believe her presence is always with her beloved husband and children. Remember she always said she loved you all from the moon and back and back again. She's right there with you all and her love for you will always be in your hearts. God bless you. You and David are the parents God chose for Madisyn, Grace and Wyatt and I see His wisdom in that choice that was His to make. May he bless you and help each of you get through each day. I love you all so very much.
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