And Life Goes On

It's been two weeks now since my surgery.  Physically I feel fine but emotionally there are good days and bad days, today was a bad day.  Today I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm frustrated.  Dave and I try to always stay positive and always keep our faith in hard times but the last two years, and especially the last two months, have really been trying.  We try to be good people and do good so what did we do, or didn't do, to deserve losing three of the people we loved most in this world, losing our baby, Dave losing his job and Dave having to have surgery all in less than two years?  Today I found out that I need to continue weekly visits to my dr. to have my blood drawn until my HcG hormone levels are back down to 0.  Why do most people never even know that they've had a miscarraige and we've been going through this for over 2 months now?  And then there's the hospital bills; it makes me sick to think that it's going to cost more to not have a baby than it would have if we would've had our baby in March.  It just feels like it's a never ending battle lately; the brake lines on Dave's truck, the nail in my tire, or my vacume that decided to quit working today.  Today a friend reminded me, "This too shall pass," I sure hope she's right.  So, there it is, my pitty party.  It doesn't happed that often but today I just needed to get some things off my chest, thanks for listening. 

Westward Bound

Our big excitement so far this summer was our trip to Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota and South Dakota.  We were gone for a week, went through 6 states and covered almost 3000 on our journey!  We had a great time and made some great memories along the way.  Here are some of the highlights though it was really hard to pick because the whole trip was awesome.  

 On our first night of the trip we made it to Dickinson, ND and stayed with Doug's Godparents, my mom's aunt & uncle, for the night.  We had such a great time visiting with them and eating Auntie Jane's wonderful cooking.  The next morning we headed to Grassy Butte, ND to visit Granny and Grandpa's graves.  We left some things for them and Madi picked some of the weeds from their grave sites.  It was hard to see how "fresh" Granny's grave still was but I am so thankful we were able to stop.   

 Madi and Grace at the Billings, MT zoo.  We visited the zoo with Auntie Laurel, Aunt Sally, cousin Bella and her little brother.  Grace was SOOO happy to see this giraffe!

 Visiting Grandma Norma at the nursing home.  The nursing home was amazing and it was so good to see Grandma and Aunt Jane doing so well. 

 This is one of my favorite pictures, Madi looking at the horses.  She and Grace both rode while we were there and LOVED every minute of it. 

 The girls along the Cook City Highway.  It was so beautiful!

 Grace enjoying the Cody, WY Rodeo...or maybe enjoying the pretzel she's eating, I can't tell:)  This kid fell asleep before the rodeo was over. 

 Me, Dave and the girls at Mt. Rushmore.  Grace called it, "the big people."  She gets so excited every time she sees a picture of it now and says, "I go there." 

 Wyoming and Wisconsin state flags, my home and my home away from home!

 Our last stop on our way home was THE Wall Drug.  There were signs for miles and miles leading up to this place.  It was pretty impressive.

We had such a great trip and it was so great to see so much of our family and I was able to have lunch with one of my amazing college friends, Steph.  It was so good to see her and Andy even though he got stuck eating lunch with 5 girls!  My Aunt Laurel and Uncle Charlie are truly the host and hostess with the mostess, it was so great staying with them.  The first night we got there the kids had ridden horses, made slime, roasted marshmallows over the camp fire and we had a wonderful family dinner.  Uncle Charlie took Dave and my brother up in the mountains on horseback to do some trout fishing, they had an amazing time and it was an experience they will never forget.  We were spoiled with Laurel's excellent cooking and we all came home 5lbs. heavier I'm sure from all our eating out and our discovery of Mooya, a new burger chain in Billings. 

Check...and check

Despite all the chaos of the last few weeks, we are making progress on the little Summer Bucket List of ours, checking things off left and right (this is perfect for my type A personality, I love checking things off of the lists I make;)  Anyways, we've been having lots of fun so here's a little peek!

 We spent the weekend before the 4th up at Dave's parents house and spent one of the days boating/playing at the beach.  The kids had a blast and swam like little fishes all day!

 The girls had their first "water balloon fight."  Here's an action shot of Grace trying to get Madi:) 

 We had a great time at the annual Breakfast on the Farm with Paul, Erin, Carter and little miss Callie.  Here's me and all the kids riding the train:)

 We made a trip to Bay Beach one morning then followed by a picnic lunch on the bay, it was a beautiful day...aren't they just the cutest little bugs you've ever seen???

 And here's our new firepit that we finished at the beginning of the summer!  We also made an awesome sandbox for the girls.  Our backyard is really looking nice if I do say so myself!

Forever In Our Hearts

Today, and the last three weeks leading up to today, have been the most heartbreaking days of my life.  Today Dave and I lost our baby.  While I am not one to share my life on Facebook I do feel that sharing my experience on our blog is important to help myself through this time as well as to have a record of this time so our sweet baby is never forgotten.
Dave and I found out we were expecting baby #3 on July 6th when a positive home pregnancy test confirmed what we were hoping for.  We were immediately in love with this baby and had talked about names right away; it would be perfect, all the kids would be just over three years apart, just like we wanted.  A few weeks later I noticed some spotting and instantly panicked as I had never experienced that with either of the girls.  I called my dr. and was able to get in before we were to leave on our vacation out west on the 28th.  I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  The ultrasound showed only the gestational sack, not what they should've seen at a day shy of 7 weeks.  They told me miscarriage was probable but also said that maybe I just wasn't as far along as I thought still giving us hope that our baby would be fine.  We went back two days later for more blood work and another ultrasound which showed the same thing.  It was confirmed that it was only a matter of time now until we would lose our baby.
The dr. said we were fine to go on our trip and gave me instructions on what to expect.  We decided that it would probably be best to get away for a while and hopefully help get our minds off of things.  The next day we loaded into our van with the girls, my brother and my sister-in-law for our long planned vacation out west which took us through six states and 3000 miles in one week; everyday wondering if today would be the day.
I went to see my dr. after we got home where they did yet another ultrasound to see if there was a chance my body had naturally taken care of things.  I hadn't so today I had a D&C.  While I have been dreading this day I was also ready to be able to finally have some closure.  I woke up from surgery and immediately cried because I knew it was over and that my baby was gone.  I was freezing cold when I woke up, just like after I had the girls.  Although I knew the baby had not been living or growing inside of me, it was still there and now we were left with nothing.  I'm so thankful for the wonderful care I received today and all the thoughts and prayers from our families and co-workers.  The nurses at the hospital were so compassionate and for that I am very grateful.  I came home to flowers on our front porch from my co-workers and had a wonderful meal delivered this evening by my amazing sister-in-law.  My mom took great care of the girls as usual and they were so happy they got to have a sleepover with Ga last night.  And my amazing husband, there are no words to describe how thankful I am for him. 

Little Footprints

How very softly

 you tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently,

only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint 

your footprints have left

upon my heart.

Baby Reed

August 10, 2012